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............ Well damn it's Friday again already once more.... Sheeez time flies when you don't have a watch to keep an eye on it. I am not at the library today. I am at an undisclosed location playing poker with Dick Cheney and Carl Rove and I am winning. So far I am up one oil tanker(full), a wildlife specie, two military weapons systems, and the third world country of my choice. These two have no poker faces. Much fun as this is, I have made a kind of promise to attempt to be funny on Friday so I am going to try again. I do not have my notebook with me so I will have to scrape off the top of my head and see what I find..........Ewwww ...oh sorry OK here we go..............
Dish Drainers....
They hate me. I lean a bowl in one to dry it falls over bowl up. I put dishes in. Dishes jump back out, onto the floor, have to wash them again. I can hear them laughing. God forbid I attempt to remove a dish after drainer is full. Apparently they are all siblings and if one is leaving they are all coming with. I can hear them........laughing.....at me.
Fishing Line.....
What EEEEEvile genius invented this stuff? They had to have been in league with the fish. This stuff is sentient I swear it is. It can tie itself into knots that would baffle any sailor or veteren Boy Scout. It only does this at specific times. When you are preparing to go fishing, when you say to your buddies; "hey watch this cast!" and any time the fish begin to bite.
Those You Love and Who Love You Back....
Why do they never want to talk to you until you are A) Reading B) Trying to type this story C) Trying to listen to that song on the radio D) Really interested in that TV show E) When in fact you apparently get some kind of look on your face that says hey this cool and are not thinking solely of them???? I used to mess with my X and daughter in the truck I would turn the radio up then when they began speaking tome again I would turn it down and when they stopped talking I would just reach for the knob and hold my hand on it and watch them.
Shoelaces....
NO! Come on, everybody knows they only break one at a time. But why do they come in two packs? You always lose the second one. No, my problem is even after you notice(after 20 years of buying them) the chart on the package that gives you the right length for the number of eyelets on your shoe. And you carefully count those eyelets five f'n times. Your shoelaces are still six miles too long. And, to add insult to injury, when you try and trim them you can never fail to cut them too short, and you have to remove them from the first two eyes so you can tie them.
Cellphones....
Besides being more complicated than a NASA shuttle I always have the same problem with them no matter brand or relative complexity. That neat thing I did that made something easy and cool, can never be duplicated again. Not only never again to be done but does not even exist in your directions handbook or anywhere else for that matter. In fact I have come to the conclusion that everytime a new deep space probe is launched all the Complete directions for every brand of cell phone are on board. When ET finally lands their first words will not be take me to your leader( if in fact one could be found) no they will be "Hey is that the HTC Model 6442?"
Venetian Blinds....
Does that pull string have to be long enough to reach all the way across the house? I have pulled a venetian blind off the wall vaccuming.(See previous list)
Knives....
I have seen 1000 cooking shows. Every single chef slices and chops and dices. Why does nothing stick to their knives? I slice my potato(e) I pull back my knife and the slice, stuck to the knife, can only release when it is over any open space not occupied by my cutting board. Preferably the space over the floor.
Safety Glasses....
Frankly they are a joke. I could be wearing a sealed space helmet and still get a wood chip in the eye cutting decking for a roof. At the very least they could at least be made stylish, since otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Other Drivers....
Yes you too. I am the only person left on the planet Earth who can drive. I could write an extensive piece on driving or whatever y'all call it. I will simply say I do not how the majority of the drivers in this country get from driveway to street without having a major accident. Strangely enough I no longer drive at all. Can't imagine why.
Video Games.....
I was baffled by 16 bit Nintendo. Kids today have somehow grown an extra six fingers and one additional hand. I was once playing Mortal Kombat with a 9 year old. He bet me he could beat me. He then went out into the hallway where he could no longer even see the screen and proceded to pummel me.
..........Well the kids are home and Dick and Carl are eyeing my chips. Have wonderful weekend everyone!!! Tesla013 out...Type Your Article Here ...
