Log In | Register
........ I'm starting to feel as if my life is one never ending feminine product commercial. I am being Revloned, Maybelined, Bare Mineraled, Finessed, Nice and Easyed, Stay Freed, Kotexed, Massingled, Monostated, FDS'd, Playtexed, Victoria Secreted, Activiaed, and Yoplaited to death. I know more about modern feminine maintenance than I ever wanted to know. Once upon a time the word 'vaginal' could bring me out of a coma, now I just cringe at the sound. Ladies I realize that these things may be of great importance to your lives. But damn, do we need to fill every blank space every TV fade out with some new and often frightening learning experience? Men do not want to know that a yeast infection may be re-occuring. Some men believe that you get a yeast infection because a man has been using a hotdog bun as a penis warmer. We used to be blissfully ignorant. We used to be unaware. And I for one would welcome a return to those care free days of not knowing the difference between a tampon and a panty liner.
Ladies here is a quick way to test the man in your life. To know if he harbors a secret terrifying knowledge in his heart. That when you send him to the store for pads and you say with wings, he is not going to spend an hour looking for a box with a bird on it. Ask him the following question.........
"When you hear the word 'hydrolize' do you think of:
A) Vegatable oil
B) a jacuzzi
C) Hoover Dam
D) None of the Above
If the answer is D, quit torturing the man with these trips to the store. If not, he is not going to return from the store for quite some time.
Before this advertising campaign juggernaut began I was cozily ignorant. I was happy, damned happy. I used to think 'exfoliate' was a new form of Agent Orange. When the word 'depilatory' fell out of the TV I figured they were talking about wheelchairs. Now when I hear 'Retinol-6' I now know this is a magic process where by a cosmetic company takes a $5 jar of cold cream and turns it into a $65 modern age defying miracle. This might scare you, I know it did me. It serves as the turning point in my life. A point where I knew I had been irrevocably changed by the feminine product onslaught. I know why the word 'oil' is no longer used in Oil of Olay products. The people who market these products decided that the word 'oil' in connection to skin products did little to induce thoughts of healthy glowing skin. How do I know this? F'kd if I know. Osmosis perhaps? The advertising is so pervasive in today's society that you just can't escape. I became truly concerned when I discovered the reason you can hardly find a Field and Stream magazine in a doctors office anymore. Men take them home, clutching them tightly to their breasts like some talisman against another marauding mascara ad. The horror of it all came crashing down upon me when I went to use the bathroom at the print shop I was working in. I walked in the stall unbuckling as I went, and there next to the toilet, like a turd on a snow white wedding cake it lay. A copy of Cosmo.... Cosmopolitan magazine in the mens john in a print shop!!!! Shaking with fear and dread, my heart slowly sinking in despair. I clung to one small desperate hope...maybe, just maybe..... I reached down and trepidatiously lifted the invasive literature from the floor....damn it!! My small hope was destroyed.Lying underneath was that months Playboy. Life as I had come to know it was over. The feminine was now officially everywhere.
Have you ever seen a young man with that beatific look of total naive honesty on his face? The hopeful smile? Those big seeking eyes? Keep that picture in your mind as you read the following....... One sunny afternoon sitting in my living room with my ex-wife and five of her co-workers, all nurses of some degree or other. I made, quite possibly, the most catastrophic error a man can make in the presence of females. The TV was on, the ladies were talking shop and I was sitting quietly waiting for any requests from the kitchen. I was raised by women and well trained. When surprise surprise an FDS commercial came on. FDS if you do not know is an acronym for 'Feminine Deoderant Spray'. I'm watching the ad though I have seen or heard it a hundred times, but lacking anything approaching entertainment I was giving it another look. When suddenly an Epiphany strikes!!!! And fool that I am I shared it with everyone in the room. This is what fell out of my mouth in front of those women; "Saaay that stuff isn't for your underarms!!" You could not have killed conversation quicker with a gun. And since 'Dumb Ass' is my middle name I continued with this little nugget of wisdom; "I thought it was like Secret you know. Strong enough for a man but made for a woman." It did not take long for their howling laughter to help me reach the decision that a ride in the woods might be nice. I got some new nic names from that as well.... 'Crotch Spray' was one. 'Strong Enough for a Man' was popular. Took two years for thwe funny to wear off that one.
30 years of well conditioned ignorance has been eroded away. I waas happy, damned happy. Tell me when is the last time you have seen a man scrubbing a toilet on TV? Do men even know what Lysol is for? I do not want to know how the latest birth control works or what it may help just take it ok? I do not need to know how to take a home pregnancy test I can barely hit the bowl and you want me to hit that!!!??? Ladies I am begging you write, call, petition these advertisers before the only man left is the man in 'woman'.........Type Your Article Here ...
